Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
