Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
