Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
