Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
