I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He passed out mid-signature
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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