mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
