Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
