One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
