my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
