Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
