Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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