Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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