I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
