Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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