I feel like I'm in dance class right now
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
