The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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