Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
