best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
