I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
All I want is dick and wine.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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