If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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