haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
