The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
someone owes me an orgasm
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
