This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
