I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
