If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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