if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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