im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
