He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
