Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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