I wish I could punch you in the face.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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