my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
