You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
