Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
