you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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