Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
