I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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