i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
