Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
