Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
