Have you finally orgasmed yet?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
