Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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