I haven't been this sober since birth.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
