Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
