Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
