Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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