Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He has the fingertips of a God
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