i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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