Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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