mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm always down for nudity.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
