My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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